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The only obsession everyone wants: ‘love’. People think that in falling in love they make themselves whole? The platonic union of souls? I think otherwise. I think you’re whole before you begin. And the love fractures you. You’re whole, and then you’re cracked open.
— Philip Roth

I’ve always imagined that if I were to write a post on my love life and romantic relationship, it would be one that is stark with an arrogance of been-there-done-that and a know-it-all attitude. I would probably begin with how ours have weathered every single kind of relationship hurdle out there: infidelity, deception, a significant age gap of nine years, betrayal, miscommunication, insecurity and the mother of all roadblocks, long distance.

So it’s quite disbelieving even to me right now, that I’m sitting here, contemplating about the twists and turns of this relationship and just how wrong I am. Yes, I was wrong in thinking that we’ve somehow reached the finishing line after claiming the victory of having triumphed over all the hurdles, emerging stronger than before with each one. That there is nothing else waiting for us but a life of marital bliss and cute babies.

And then there is this harrowing impediment that quietly crept up behind our backs and devoured us alive, and this, will henceforth be known as my boyfriend’s Mid-life Crisis. For most parts of our relationship, he has always been preoccupied with the conviction that what he does defines him completely, and loves his work more than he loves me. Very typical alpha male thinking. I understand and I support him, by not asking for more than what I’m already receiving, frequently hushing down any resentment and disappointment fueled by his maniacal quest for professional success. All I needed was his understanding of the undertones of some of my more vindictive comments, but have instead been mistaken as grouses of an unsatisfied seeker of impossible things.

He was also the same person who infamously expressed over Twitter, that “in the pursuit of happiness, sacrifices have to be made”. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what the alleged sacrifice was. Swept away by the currents of ambition, he has no qualms getting rid of anything that stood in the way, of his way. Hence, it wasn’t entirely startling for me to be ruthlessly shunned out of his big picture of a dazzling future. On hindsight, the warning signs have been waving around like neon lights, bright as day. I suppose this is what we do for the people we love, we make excuses for them, we cling on to hope, we quietly tell ourselves that we’re reading too much into the slightest hint.

Having said all that, I have never met anyone that I am so compatible with on so many levels. I fell deeply and madly in love with him. I felt like I could take the plunge into a lifetime of commitment with this man. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him, no matter how strong and detached I always try to appear during our shaky moments. The delirium was real. I believe that we were at a point beyond giggly date nights, where even love could not sustain. Our genetic differences intensified the feelings of irritability that later overshadowed whatever affection that we have left for each other. What we lost our battle to was the absence of a greater consciousness to overcome these asymmetries. Our biggest enemy was not compatibility, but ignorance.

It’s a perplexing state to be in right now – groping in the dark for a sense of mature understanding to explain how, what, when and why these can spiral down to such a harsh outcome. I would be lying if I said I didn’t spend many waking hours hitting the rewind button and let every conversation, every encounter, play out slowly in the vacuum of my mind so that I could pin down specific moments that may have led him to an impetuous change of heart. Was it something I said? Or did? This brings me back to the time when we first started dating, enthralled by its romantic prospects, but which also came with a parcel of hurt and pain that is reminiscent of many crying-in-the-bathroom episodes.

I’m bewildered, and my heart seared, to know that I was even denied of a proper goodbye; the one I got was devoid of any trace of tenderness that I thought the disposal of a three year plus relationship would have at least deserved. He was unflinchingly cold and cruel, almost juvenile in its execution – a telephone call, two sentences, and a hostile aftermath. You gotta give it to men for their innate ability to withdraw into their cave of oblivion without a rhyme or reason. But I am certain that it is also this brutal dismissal that made me see now with crystal clear clarity: here’s a man who sold the idea of a fantasy to me but gave up and fled when he was exhausted by the labours of his own proposal.

Amidst this caustic backdrop of broken promises, it made me realize that I cannot be with someone who doesn’t even know what he wants and strays at the mere thought of a reconciliation with a seemingly more perfect destiny, perhaps with a girl who would not intercept his world and interfere with his contrived sense of self. Also, I figured that since we’ve reached the end of the road with this relationship, there really isn’t much of a need to be protective over these pictures that Fazil took of us exactly a year ago in Melbourne, depicting much happier times. I no longer see them as photographs that encapsulated the romance between two people; they are nothing but a work of art now, and we are nothing more than sheer subjects.

With the car speakers plugged into my iPod, he played that song by Aizat over and over and over again during the long drive home from Lumut that day. I remember telling him that it is such a sad song because it’s a painful break-up song. From now, this will be our last song.

Ku cuba redakan relung hati
Bayangmu yang berlalu pergi
Terlukis di dalam kenangan
Bebas bermain di hatiku

Cerita tentang masa lalu
Cerita tentang kau dan aku
Kini tinggal hanya kenangan
Kau abadi di dalam hatiku

Harusnya takkan ku biarkan engkau pergi
Membuat ku terpuruk rasa ingin mati
Derita yang mendera kapan akan berakhir
Hanya engkau yang mampu taklukkan hatiku

I’m sorry that I was never skinny enough, smart enough or funny enough for you. I’m sorry that I attempted to puppet you into becoming who I needed you to become, discarding the fact that you have already been hardwired to act a certain way. I’m sorry if you ever felt my love disapproving and lack assurance, when I was only trying to protect myself.

I hope that you are happy now. From the depths of my battered and wrinkled heart, I hope that you will find the kind of joy and fulfillment that you never found with me.

23 Comments so far
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Am sorry to hear that, dear.

*hugs*

Give me a ring if you need someone to talk to, alright?

sucks to hear that. :( hope things pick up soon.

Incredibly well written on a subject that muddles even the deepest hearts and clearest minds. Hope that you feel somewhat better, now that you’ve gotten it off your chest – so to speak.

i can understand how it is like, no doubt it’s sad, but i believe this is just part of the life. The reason why he wasn’t the one is because there’s someone better out there for you, good luck =)

‘The hardest things and the right things are the same’ – The Fray.

Having the courage to finally see clearly at what you had is a necessary milestone for the long run despite its current painfulness. You will certainly find someone that truly appreciates you because you will & should never settle for anything less.

We emerge from past relationships stronger, adding another ring to the girth of growth. Life is most amazing, simply because we got to feel – be it joy or sorrow.

You took the chance to experience both, and for that is truly living. The day when you can really smile from within will come, and I hope it will not be for long for you.

Cheers xxx

*hugs*

Jason: Aww thanks, will do, appreciate it!

Fernando Clitorres: Thank you, things can only get better from this point. :)

Tersh: I definitely feel like a new person after writing all of that down, even if it were my feeble attempt to arrive at a point of closure. A girl’s gotta move on eventually! Thanks Tersh. :)

Nicole: Haha well, for that I can only hope. Thank you for dropping by with your lovely comment!

Huey: Thank you for the encouraging words Huey. It’s so easy to have my vision blurred from some of life’s unfair circumstances even though that I know it in my heart that I’m intended for better things. I just need to get my head around that more, heh.

Jasmine: Thanks Jasmine. /hugs back Hope you’re doing great yourself!

hugs. just march forward and move on. I’m sure God has wonderful plans for you ahead :)

It’s tough I know. Nothing would seem to help ease the wound right now there’s no pain killer for breakups. Chin up and a days go by, you will be surprised how well you’ve done. You have my support Emily. Take care and be strong =)

You write so beautifully still despite the heartbreaking contents of this post.

Hello.

shld start listening to simple plan. to help ease the pain

Theresa: Thanks hun. Why, of course, God’s greater blessings are yet to come! :)

Shelyn: Oh I wish for a miracle cure for heartaches! :( But your words mean a lot to me thank you. You take care too babe!

Michelle: Thank you Michelle. Never knew that pain could be beautiful, but now I do. ;)

Hong Yuen Lek: Thanks for the suggestion but I have auditory needs that are beyond what Simple Plan can amply satisfy.

what about 30 seconds to mars ? they are pretty emo themselves. beats indo songs anyday

Hey why did you stop writing chicka? Write more! :)

hey emily, reading this post touched my heart like no other. You have the ability to convert emotions into words, making me think “that’s exactly how that feeling should be described!” I’m sure you’ll emerge out of this as a stronger person than you already are. :)

just a passer by. i know too well the pain you must be going through.

hang in there, keep your chin up. this too shall pass.

Hey emily. Beautiful article. Just to share, I was in a relationship for 10 freaking years before I realised what a fool I was to constantly convince myself he’s the one and there would be no other. The truth hurts but we choose not to believe it in order to make our lives more bearable. People will always (out of courtesy and encouragement)tell u to move on and that life will be better. I’d say cry. As much as you need to. Grief. Before you start all over again, you need to totally let go.

Hey there, someone recommended your blog to me… and the first post I read resonated with me because I myself broke up with my ex-fiance three months ago. I know the pain, though it is not exactly the same as yours.

Hang in there, beautiful lady.

Addy

Tersh: Haha I didn’t stop writing, just got a little caught up with other things. I have never been able to write much and often anyway. But thanks for taking the time to come by for new updates! I strongly suggest that you put this blog on your feeds so you don’t waste time coming here without anything new to read :P

Li Hong: Thank you dearie :) The words were only possible because it struck very deeply with me. Hang in there for your last semester babe!

S: And it has. Thank you :)

Callix: I’m sorry to hear about your relationship ordeal that made mine look like it was child’s play. Right now, after just enough crying and grieving, I’ve come to realize just how lucky I am to be with a man who intuitively (I know, not quite a man’s forte but yet!) saw the end of a romance before I did. So instead of hanging on longer that I should have, I’m quite fortunate to have been set free. And I wish the same for you too, as soon as all the tears have dried.

Addy: Thank you. It must be devastating to break off a relationship with someone whom you have already foresee yourself spending the rest of your life with. I hope that what you find in the future (that little bit of wisdom, a renewed sense of self, love) will more than compensate what you have lost. :)

that happened to me a few months back.. but i only recieved a SMS.. haha.. thinking back, i dun ever want a guy who is so juvenile that he can’t even tell me in a face to face conversation if there was anything wrong. such idiots don’t deserve to be in my life ;)

Just passing through and stumbled upon this well written post and ended up reading the whole blog and the one created by Demon. I have to say it is fantastic writing. i may be wrong but here are some of my personal thoughts on the topic after reading both blogs.

I find it very juvenile to say “he/she doesn’t deserve me…etc” That word should not be used when it comes down to matters of the heart. Everyone was in a relationship for a reason and shared joyous love filled moments, the manner in which it ended is merely how each individual handles the situation. No right or wrong way about it.

I don’t think he ran exhausted from the labors of his own proposal. From what I’ve been reading, my guess is Demon’s at an age in his career where the reality of that 9-year gap finally struck and delivered a severe blow.

They say a picture tells a thousand words and from the pictures in these 2 blogs tell a story of love that will be quite impossible to replicate. The pictures show 2 people glowing with joy and happiness that is not commonly seen in many pictures. I suppose you both may find solace in others but like a lonely traveler of the world, you will both return home one day. Similar interest, Intellectual compatibility and the equal comprehension of the queen’s language are important factors often overlooked that are crucial in a happy relationship. Important factors that will be hard to find elsewhere.

I once had to make a decision to end a relationship a couple of years ago and i know it is a very hard decision for him to make which clearly explains the cold behavior after. A self defense mechanism designed to protect his heart from over ruling his mind. He’s hurting without anyone knowing.

Cheer up a little as love works in very mysterious ways and no one knows what lies ahead for the both of you. Never doubt the invisible hand of fate in bringing something as beautiful as this to life again.

I do hope the two of you find your way back home because I would love to see more of these beautiful pictures in the future.

Take care.

Emily,
What an article you have there! I am amazed by your use of words and the way you construct it..Must’ve taken alot of effort from you..I’m gona run through your blog and your article again when i have time..
Anywayz, goodluck for your future endeavors.

I feel you, for real. On a separate note, keep writing. I enjoy reading your posts.

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It doesn’t take a lot to… excite me. Pens, paper, and prints are some of the things that would make my heart explode into a high-pitched flutter. I’d spend my last $10 on… a pint of mint choc chip ice-cream. Most of my time is spent… trying to fit into the sleeves of Melbourne pavements before I bid it goodbye in a few months. I cannot wait to… grow up. Though being twenty two seems like a herculean task already. The world needs... a pinch of skepticism, a shot of optimism, a teaspoon of chocolate powder, and a glass full of love.