A Few Things To Say

Sunset on a Saturday. Note the lone cloud at far right: a bird or an angel?

I’ve been feeling so much like glass all week.

Some days I feel like the hideous glass ornament in a somewhat sparse room that tries to pass off as decoration. It serves no actual purpose but there’s no where else that befits its pitiful status quo so you just put it somewhere, anywhere. On other days I feel like shattered bits from a glass someone accidentally knocked over. Lying on the floor is a unrecognizable pool of mess that’s haphazardly scattered all over. Eventually, it gets swept into a dustpan and into the bin, forgotten forever. Most times I feel as fragile as glass, easily provoked and consumed by things that I know very well are out of my control. Yet, all I do is immerse myself in the core of the issue yet the questions remained unanswered. But on top of everything else, I consistently feel like an empty glass jar, its destiny not yet determined.

I’ve also been having mini breakdowns through the week. I tear up almost effortlessly and without specific reason other than being engulfed in waves of emotion I can’t quite put a finger on - in the car, before I sleep, during conversations… Worst, I even broke down in the office loo one day. It’s becoming so ridiculous that the other day when I was musing about how dejected I felt over a few incidents involving a friend that I began to tear. “Are you crying?!” “No, I’m not,” I defended, “It’s just the smoke from the barbeque chicken wing stall across the road that’s irritating my eyes.” Even at work my vision gets blurry after staring at the computer screen for far too long that it’ll start to water. You know, like natural lubrication for my dry and irritated eyes. Then I realized that it wasn’t the smog nor the flickering screen. I was on the brink of tears. I was about to fucking cry. Life hasn’t been very kind to me but I hold back from complaining because I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I know I’m blessed in so many other ways.

From Daddy in an email sent last week:

“Whatever it is, you are their dear and precious daughter… They would readily sacrifice all they can and all they have…”

That’s a first from him. Lately, my father and I have been exchanging emails instead of having actual discussions. It’s almost dysfunctional. But really, I think we both express ourselves better this way. I get to tell him things that I hold back from when I see him in person, and he, on the other hand, gets to lecture me infinitely in an email without having to face the retaliation and dissent from me. Emotional flare-ups and misunderstandings are minimized when you get to reflect on what you are saying to another person before the message reaches them.

Some things that I need in desperation right now: a path that I can call my own, resilience, steeliness (to help me cope with all the sucky things in the world), a sense of belonging and an endless supply of soft chocolate chip cookies.

This is something that lifted my mood tremendously over the weekend - taking pictures of Justin and Jwan with their toy cars!

 2:41 AM     Permalink     6 Comments

5 Songs I Can Listen To Over and Over Again

If you ask me what my favourite song is, I honestly don’t think I can pinpoint just one song out of the many that I enjoy listening to. It all depends alot on how I feel and think at a particular time, and who I am with at that moment, and if I could relate to it. Of late, I’ve been unwittingly shuffling between the same set of songs. So here’s a list of five songs I wouldn’t mind being played on repeat for hours straight on:

• I’m Yours by Jason Mraz

I’ve been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
My breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I’m saying is there ain’t no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
…
I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours
…

This is one song that just grows and clings on to you like a sticky lover. I heard this song for the first time while driving and didn’t think much of it. Then, it started to haunt and follow me around like a shadow. Next thing I knew I was listening to how Pin officiated his relationship with Aubrey with the song being played in the background. Awww. By the way, congrats both of you! Can I present you guys with a PDA couple of the year award? :P Not too long after, Ezra played this song from his phone during the long car ride home from Cheras. As the song was playing, he told me how he found the song a year ago and it remained one of his favourites ever since. He even divulged that he’ll have this song played when he propose to a girl! You know the song definitely holds much substance when guys actually want to dedicate it to their girlfriends.

Oh, and over the weekend in Bangkok, Jwan and I were pleasantly surprised when I’m Yours was on TV two nights in the row as we were lounging about in the hotel room. What did I say about it haunting me everywhere I go?

• Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat

They don’t know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I’ll wait for you I promise you, I will
…
I’m lucky we’re in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

My first brush with Lucky was when I heard this song three weeks ago in Arif’s car when he blasted the speakers and sang along to the chorus. I was in love with the song immediately. And so I hassled him for the name of the song but he just wouldn’t tell me. So I begged and begged but had to succumbed to the last resort of stealing his CD in the end; ejecting it out of the player just before I got out the car and taking it with me. Heh.

You know you’ll love this song as soon as you hear the opening beats and its first line when the ever-so-sexy Mraz comes on and it continues with the familiarity of Colbie Caillat’s huskily sweet voice. For the past week or so, this song is all I listen to in the mornings when I drive to work. Though I still reach out to switch to FM mode for the Gotcha calls and the ‘Yes, No, Mmm, Ah’ Game on Hitz.fm hehe. Some funny shit there; it lets me start the day with a good hearty laugh! I have a feeling this song will be hitting the charts soon and played in excess on the radio channels.

Baby, this song is for you.

• Take A Bow by Rihanna

And the award for the best liar goes to you
For makin’ me believe
That you could be
Faithful to me
Let’s hear your speech oh
…
How bout a round of applause
Standing ovation
…

Is this NOT the most liberating song about cheating (ex-)boyfriends ever!? It’s so refreshing to have a song that doesn’t sing about teardrops on the guitar and bleeding and having no air to breathe when you’re heartbroken. I love the smugness of it all. The sarcastic snicker you can hear in the song totally added a punch of attitude into it! I swear I will throw this song into the face of my boyfriend if he ever cheats on me (again hahaha).

• So Much In Love by All-4-One

As we stroll along together
Holding hands walking all along
So in love are we two
That we dont know what to do
So in love (so in love)
In a world of our own (so in love)
…
As we walk down the aisle together
We will vow to be together till we die
So in love are we two
Just cant wait to say I do
…

This is the most mindblowingly beautiful song in the whole wide world. It’s actually a very old song but I don’t know why I’ve never heard it until only a couple of months ago. My first encounter with this song goes like this: I was over at the boyfriend’s when he hurriedly ushered me into the kitchen. “Faster come! I want you to listen to this song!” Okaaay. When I step into the kitchen, I only managed to catch the trailing end bits of the song playing out of the portable radio next to the window. “So in love… so in love..“, and that was how the song ended. It was one of the most awww-defining moments of my life. It was so spontaneous and so candid, yet it was a very heartfelt moment. I instantly knew that I must have this song played at my wedding.

My boyfriend’s really not one for romantic gestures but sometimes, during rare moments like these, a more affectionate side of him emerges. A few months back, I was in my usual morning dash of getting ready for college when my phone beeped. It was a text message from Jwan. “Fly fm now”, it says, rather simply. Curious, I did as he very briefly instructed. Playing on Fly FM that morning at 10.49AM was Aerosmith’s I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing. I’ve always loved that song. It was also the same morning that I caught a reflection of myself in the mirror grinning like an idiot with the earphones still plugged into my ears.

• Here In My Home by Malaysian Artistes For Unity

Oh there’s a misspoken truth that lies
Colors don’t bind, oh no.
What do they know? They speak falsely
…
Here in my home
I’ll tell you what its all about
There’s just one hope here in my heart
One love undivided
That’s what it’s all about
Please won’t you fall in one by one by one with me?

Sigh. I’ve only watched the video once and the song’s already stuck in my head! Pete darling, why do you always write such unforgettable songs? Siiiigh. I last met Pete during the Songwriters Round 25 held at No Black Tie in April and remember asking him why he’s not performing this time round. “Oh I’m working on other things right now”, came his reply. Ah, so this was what he’s been working on. This is a song he wrote about Malaysia, home to people of different racial backgrounds yet it is also the same people who are always too shy or too darn proud to openly embrace each other. The video represents everything all Malaysians are capable of showing - tolerance and love for one another - if they only tried.

Click [here] to read more about this phenomenal project contributed by the many local artistes out of free will and [here] to be a part of it!

 3:56 PM     Permalink     8 Comments

Birthdays In May

I loveeeee the month of May. But today, being the first day of June, marks the end of the month that just can’t stop bursting with a lot of happy birthday (pun intended) celebration of friends and family. I know more birthdays in May than any other month. Of course it helps that mine falls in May too. :) Within the family, my younger sister and Dad was born in the same month as well. My late aunt too actually, may I add. I’ve lost count of close friends and acquaintances who are May babies too but believe me when I say that there are so many it’s almost uncountable. I remember posting alot of birthday well-wishes on Facebook last month.

MY BIRTHDAY - 3RD MAY

Every year on my birthday I lapse into the same cycle of self-reflection that ultimately leads to self-doubt in every aspect of my life and a dip in confidence as a purposeful person. It’s no different this year. I tell myself all the time, that I want to be more, do more and have more. But do I always? Why and why not?

But I always recover after spending the night pondering on the meaning of life because I have the most awesome family, friends and boyfriend who all shower me with lavish amounts of presents and blessings on my birthday. :) I had a cupcake-oriented tea party (yes lah Ez you get a 50% credit for contributing to the idea of it) at Bianco this year with mostly friends from high school just because birthday occasions are the only times all of us would get together. The search for the venue itself was an accidental surprise that couldn’t make me happier. I had initially wanted to have a small gathering at Bisou Bakeshop on Heritage Row, which houses the most scrumptious cupcakes around, but I figured that it would be far too much of a trouble for my friends to travel to town on a Saturday afternoon. Then I stumbled upon Bianco, which turned out to be perfect. The cafe’s actually a sister restaurant to Bisou, along with Bijou in Mont Kiara.

One of the glass entrances into the cafe.

Continue reading »

 2:09 AM     Permalink     4 Comments